The realm of underexplored emotions
Also: "Addleworth" - Hey there, how am I?
Odelia here with Percolations #103.
Glad. Sad. Mad. Afrad.
(Spelling that last one just so it rhymes. I can read and write somewhat properly, I promise.)
Emotions are hard enough to understand, accept, express, and control well.
One troubling thing I’ve noticed with myself is the tendency to babify1 whatever I’m feeling and move on — as if the experience of feeling something is a checklist to tick-tick-tick my way through and hand to an imaginary supervisor.
A sister calls this “efficient emotions” — something like grabbing a meal-on-the-go or swallowing whole-spectrum multivitamins all the while praying to the gods of the ether that it would somehow substitute for cooking and sitting down to a good meal.
“Babifying emotions” looks like this: plopping a given feeling into one of the four big categories (glad, sad, mad, afraid), deleting all nuances and complexities of cause/effect, and pulling up the corresponding approach that has worked for processing, denying, or eliminating past “units” from said category.
Fear: Take a deep breath.2 Don’t compare. Take the next step, make a decision, and prepare to meet thy God.
Glad: Dance, laugh, smile. Sing. Make someone else smile. Go for a run just because.
Sad: Cry, make/eat noodle soup, find comfy blanket and fall asleep. Repeat until no longer sad.
Mad: Step out of situation. Walk fast until you can’t scream due to lack of breath. Bonus points if you find a punching bag before brick walls break your knuckles.
But — self-deprecating jokes aside — there are so many nuances to emotions that we don’t appreciate or explore as much as we do the more “famous” ones.
Emotions like jealousy. Embarrassment. Awkwardness. Vague sensations of nostalgia, loneliness, desire. (Think: The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. Those kinds of things.)
These existential cocktails of we dislike feeling (for the most part, I guess — melon-colllies3 love to stay late at the bar) turn out to be ones we avoid almost by instinct, before we actually allow ourselves to feel and experience the emotions for what they are.
We sometimes don’t realize our very avoidance of them is what’s holding us back from knowing what they are and why we avoid them. Or — even better — we avoid them despite the realization, since enough of us have seen pretty quote-pictures with the text “Everything you want is on the other side of fear,” or “Sorrow is the other side of Joy,” or some variations of such and still hold onto the same patterns of responding to life because “that’s just how it goes, that’s just how I am, that is all I know…”
But here’s what I’m mulling over: What if it’s an avoidance driven not by fear of said emotions, but by our lack of understanding and proper exploration of them?
The clarity of mind and self-awareness that comes with sitting with the weird emotions, understanding the nuances of why you feel the way you did in that moment, and knowing that it’s not the end of the world if you ever feel just as embarrassed or jealous again, is a powerful place to be. Knowledge and awareness — even if just a memory of having been here and done this before — give us the breathing space we need to thoroughly experience a moment without the “whoops, hot stove” reflexes.
But, in overanalyzing we run the danger of forcing rationality onto something not bound to logic. (At least, not logic our minds comprehend.)
Thus a contradictory approach is suggested — the way to understanding and making peace with such emotions is to precisely not to control and analyze them.
Maybe once or twice, to give your thinking mind context and peace; maybe outlining to debrief the more intense or destructive experiences for future self-preservation; maybe just describing the moment for its own sake and the sake of the circulatory redundant comfort found in recollecting a memory.
After all, the way to explore something you feel is to feel it deeply, honestly, thoroughly. Not punching data into a mental spreadsheet and sending your mind on a spinny-spin-spin contemplating all the variations and origins and consequences of said emotion — not necessarily, at least.
….Can you tell I’m torn between both approaches while accepting both? If you ever solve the equation of “a life thoroughly lived equals a life thoroughly contemplated over,” let me know. My instincts tell me that’s impossible, but my ego is determined to prove it does solve perfectly. I just don’t know how yet.
Underexplored emotions, meet underprepared heart. Respect each other and try to have fun. ;)
***
Yet another thought-piece without a clear conclusion. I’ve been closing open loops all week (still on-going); but with a questing and questioning mind I couldn’t threaten or coax to just chill, the speed of loops opening always double or triple the speed by which I could close them. Oh dear.
I’d close with a text I sent a good friend of mine earlier this week, in response
“I find myself so often in spaces where I am the youngest, or least knowledgeable/experienced, and such. … My mantra these days: Try, explore, and embrace the misunderstanding, embarrassment, and discomfort. Dare to be imperfect and incomplete. Then grow and accomplish like you’ve never been able to before.”
Go forth and conquer. :)
Odelia
Quote for the week
“God put me on earth to accomplish certain things. Right now, I’m so far behind, I’ll never die.” ― Bill Watterson
This week’s word: “Addleworth”
From The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows by John Koenig.
Addleworth
adj. unable to settle the question of whether you’re doing okay in life; feeling torn between conflicting value systems and moveable goalposts, which makes you long for someone to come along and score your progress in discrete and measurable units—points, dollars, friends, followers, or a grade point average—which may not clear up where you’re going but would at least reassure you that you’re one step closer to getting there.
(From addled, muddled or unclear + worth.)
*** "Go take a hike," they said, "It'd help you clear your head." Guess I'd better - I'm seeing red Trying too hard to get ahead. Stopped kipping out of bed Due to the late nights I've led... I say "I'd sleep when I'm dead," Don't care how I'm being fed; Hate leaving friends on read, Not sure what to do instead. "Growth hurts," they left unsaid, "Keep calm, and keep your head." ***
Snapshots of life
(Read the captions. XP)
Give this a listen
This made me laugh:
Cool stuff + random thoughts
A “Dream Year Giveaway.” If this is for real (and it seems so), this is such a cool idea and opportunity.
Acid Jazz is such a skanky genre — I came across it on my /now friend4 Matt’s page here, and I’m absolutely loving the grooves.
Untranslatable words, something like Koenig’s dictionary. Eunoia. So darn cool.
This past week I’ve been looking at my rock wall drawing of a life plan that I drafted on Saturday and has since developed into a sprawling layout…and I had to ask myself, what do I do with the side obsessions I have that just wouldn’t let go of me, and that don’t fit neatly into the routes (or betas) I’m thinking I should start setting? Enter Thomas Moes and his 52 Obsessions. I stumbled across his page + project last week, and even now I still can’t get over just how cool the existence of his little internet corner exist. You don’t need your obsessions to make sense, take over your life, or be connected to each other. They can just…be a thing. And it’s cool. And the website design’s cool. And the things he pokes his head in are cool. I like, a lot. I’m still exploring…
Given the fact that Whiplash is a movie my thoughts return to every now and then, and that I’m interested in some high-quality cooking tools and skills (now that I have a wok, natural gas stove, and pretty-while-practical tools to work with), this YouTube short hits such a satisfying, nniche spot for me: BTS: how I tossed a knife like a drumstick.
It makes me laugh to realize I have five pairs of chopsticks in my cupboard, but not a single fork. I also haven’t used any of the usual cooking utensils since being here, except for a teaspoon and a knife. Turns out you can stir, fry, and stirfry with two sticks anytime. Chopsticks for the win!
Is asking someone “Are you sure?” after they’ve offered you or told you something a veiled insult? I’ve used that as a response to two persons a couple weeks ago in two different scenarios (not out of habit but just testing out a phrase people use), and I had two different responses that led to the same conclusion. The gentleman gave me a mock-offended stare and asked if he looked like he was confused; the lady’s face went “huh?” and she repeated whatever she just said. It’s as if I’ve not only said something that didn’t need to be said, but I’ve also managed to hint — by way of expressing thanks too, no less! — that the giver is not intelligent or self-aware enough to know what they have chosen to do or say. Maybe part of it is cultural misunderstanding (both the man and woman were Chinese), but I’m starting to wonder why this rhetorical question is used in more ways than just its literal, direct sense.
Came across Tom Cooper’s music this week, and am jamming to his “GONER.” Such a rich, neat tune and rhythm. Seeing new names in the music scene makes me so happy and inspired.
Watched “The Maltese Falcon” (1941) last night. Maybe I overhyped it to myself the past couple months, but I wasn’t too impressed with it. Bogart was great though, as always. And that one last line kinda made the film worth watching.
Two posts I read this morning that I’d bookmarked to read again in the near future — both are worth a thorough read-and-think:
“What Counts as an Iteration?” - On failing, effort, and perfection.
“An Existential Guide to: Making Friends” - On people, connections, and related things.
Some cool designs I found in a tiny pad of paper on the family gathering table:
“to approach as if explaining to a baby, or as if self is a baby to be babied.”
The full version: “Take a deep breath and reach for the next hold without looking down to see what you’d fall onto if you miss. Try not to think of how easily your buddy flashed a V6 just now, or else you’d forget that your sweaty palms have once again negated all the precious chalk you’ve put on before getting on this V1.”
Read this word out loud to get the point. Thank C&H for the confusion.
As in: A connection made by bonding over a shared obsession about /now pages.
I like this thinking a lot. A few reactions-
I'm inclined to believe that the lack of understanding and the fear you mention are two sides of the same coin. We are human: it is, more often than not, an avoidance of the unknown that holds us back. The fear stems from the lack of understanding, and the lack of understanding stems from the fear. (A tough cycle to break out of, isn't it? xD).
On contemplations: I'd say it's possible to explore and contemplate said emotions without necessarily going as far as analyzing them. Classical mindfulness at its core -- acceptance that we are feeling a certain way, a noticing of that feeling, and a willingness to simply let the feeling exist without denying it. That doesn't mean we need answers about the feeling -- we can hold it to the light without tearing it apart. Similarly, a life well lived/contemplated over can simply be a life lived intentionally and with agency; it needn't be one torn apart by the ever-critical eye of hindset.
Anyhow-- just some thoughts. And wow, your corner of the earth is beautiful this time of year!
Keep doing what you do :)