Pretending to feel
Also: "Treachery of the common" - We're all the same after all?
Talking about self-awareness and honesty again…
(Do we ever talk about anything else here? Hahaha.)
It makes me laugh realizing how many emotions I experience are at least a few steps removed from the way things actually are.
Take this scenario for instance:
Earlier this week, I reconnected with an old acquaintance. (“Acquaintance” because we’ve known each other for 15-16 years, but never actually had a conversation.) A letter and two emails later, we’re in touch again.
Because writing isn’t his thing, the best way for us to keep in contact involves using a particular social media platform I’d never thought I’d be on.
If you’ve known me for some time, you could probably guess how icky it felt to me at first. But I got myself an account anyways, partly as an experiment and mostly because I do want to stay in touch. (A kinda “meet them where they’re at” situation.)
Another friend of mine asked me about this experiment, and this was my response:
I'm amused, I'm acting awkward on it (getting used to the disappearing messages, lol), and I'm pretending to be annoyed I'm finally on this social media platform while secretly so SO DARN HAPPY we get to be friends now, after so long!
The amusement comes from my realizing the irony of the situation: I don’t like instant messaging, don’t use social media (at least not for personal purposes), and don’t want my business smartphone to be used for personal stuff.
And now, in one fell swoop, I’ve broken all those rules for this one person.
Oops…maybe?
There’s a “hardness” to these do-nots I’ve given myself, in the self-discipline I put onto myself to create the life of my ideals. And it feels like that tough exterior has cracked under something sentimental and “soft” — that is, reconnecting with someone I care about.
And right there’s where the “pretending to feel annoyed” bit comes in.
I’m simultaneously icked-out by the fact I’m using my business phone in this way (yet one more unnecessary, time-sucking app, yikes!) and thoroughly thankful that I get to chat with an old friend, even if it’s in a format I’m not familiar with and don’t necessarily like.
And as long as I keep a firm hand on the temptation to refresh and check for notifications/messages every now and then, I know the equation would work itself out into a net gain.
This makes me wonder why I let myself feel anything negative about all this, though — why I even bother to be annoyed when I already know that it may well be for the better. This emotion seems like a useless drain of my energy and attention, sprinkling a dose of head-scratching as I’m trying to make a rational decision. (Is this emotion telling me something I should be aware of? What if I just ignore this? Is my being annoyed about this a red flag?)
It’s like I’m pretending to still care about being a certain someone or doing things a certain way while my actions prove otherwise. Like I’m putting on a show just for myself.
It sounds stupid, and it is. (Except, maybe, for a “hey, you sure about this change?” alert to keep me from jumping into something without prior deliberation.)
I think this boils down to me taking myself too seriously and subconsciously thinking that the way I’ve decided to live is the way it’d be for the rest of my life. I know that’s not the case, at least in my head, but apparently my feelings are still catching up to that…
Both the frame and the picture of my life shift and evolve with time. It seems like the frame I put around this area of my life no longer fits the picture I want to use it for, for now.
And that’s okay.
Odelia
P.S. …How’s that for your weekly dose of overthought thinks from a pleonastic twenty-something who harbours an excessive fondness for self-interrupting parenthetical clarifications (such as this)?
Quote for the week
Something that impacted me in some way the past week, and think is worth sharing.
“Two things that in my opinion reinforce one another and remain eternally true are: Do not quench your inspiration and your imagination, do not become the slave of your model; and again: Take the model and study it, otherwise your inspiration will never become plastically concrete.”
— Vincent Van Gogh, in this letter to Theo
(Note to self: “Plastically concrete.” What a brilliant phrase! Examine this more in-depth in a future issue.)
This week’s word: “Treachery of the common”
Since the start of 2024, I’ve begun a project of writing 7 poems each week, using for my prompt an entry from The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows by John Koenig. I share the best from said project in this section.
treachery of the common
n. the fear that everyone around the world is pretty much the same—that despite our local quirks, we were all mass-produced in the same factory, built outward from the same generic homunculus, preinstalled with the same tribal compulsions and character defects—which would leave you out of options if you ever want to reinvent yourself, or seek out a better society on the other side of the globe.
(A riff on the tragedy of the commons, which is a situation where individual users acting in their own self-interest end up harming the common good, usually by depletion or pollution of resources.)
*** We pretend to be different - Different lives, dreams, families, fears - But, be honest just this once. Are those contrasts we celebrate even real? Is the reason you ran that redlight The same as why I skipped yesterday's workout? Or how I couldn't sleep at night - Is that why you don't want to get up in the morning? ***
Snapshots of life
Photos taken of things I’ve made or worked with, or places I’ve been the past week.
A friend’s response when I sent him one of these pictures: “Nooo, don’t remind me. It’s not even snowing yet, and I already miss summer…” Same here.
But don’t the frosty outlines make these leaves absolutely beautiful?
A bonus fall picture:
Give this a listen
This song resonates strongly with me; many of the truths he’s spitting are ones I learned the past two years.
The opening is fire, for one — this is the first time I’ve heard a passage from the Bible being read aloud as the intro to a rap song. (Apart from ostentatiously “Christian rock/rap” songs, of course.) You could feel Ren’s passionate love and conviction through the thought-provoking lyrics and his tones of voice. The camera angles are pretty interesting as well, well-planned and well-executed.
Altogether, “Money Ties” is quite something! (There’s a fair bit of language, in case that makes a difference for you…)
A bullet note from my desk
PRIA was born this week. If all goes well, I shall begin selling my work at a tiny local store next month. A bouquet of thanks to the friend who got me creating chains again this past month and who also inspired the name without knowing it — you know who you are! Thank you. ;)